woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
