am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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