when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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