The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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