Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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