just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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