can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
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I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
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There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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