I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
