I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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