i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
