1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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