I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
