did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
