Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
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he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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