He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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