my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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