i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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