I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
