Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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