just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
