thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
