I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
