I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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