i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
