she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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