i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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