Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
