I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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