Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
