So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
