the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Randomize
