the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
