If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
