I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
