Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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