Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
