I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize
