Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
