About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
