so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
