I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
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You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
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What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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