11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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