he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.