I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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