I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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