I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
