Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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