My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i love accidental penises.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize