Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
