took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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