i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
