I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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