that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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