woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
