As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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