Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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